NOTHING OFFICIAL ABOUT THEM

Note: This article has previously appeared in an edition of TOI-Crest. All Illustrations are by Ajit Ninan

By Manas Gupta

Every office has its share of characters that add colour to the environment or even take a toll on the productivity. TOI-Crest profiles a few stereotypes. Look around you. Chances are you’ll recognize a few.

Flirty over Thirty: This group is comprised entirely of compulsive flirts who have as much control over their raging hormones as Zardari has over the Pakistan army. Often missing from their seats, they need to recharge every half hour by touching attractive members of the opposite sex. In the corporate jungle, some of the seniors even see appraisal time as mating season. For the extreme lot, companies are starting to come up with anti-sexual harassment squads.

Foreign Phoney: Observe your colleagues carefully. You are bound to find at least a couple of blokes who talk as if they were born in an Oxford classroom, probably when a Shakespeare class was on. Chances are they probably went abroad for a 2-month course and the only thing they picked up was the accent. These ‘know-alls’ talk faster than a Klashnikov on auto, banking on the fact that a befuddled listener is bound to miss most of the conversation. Most people can be forgiven for thinking the so-called NRI’s tongue got stung by a bumblebee. Interestingly, these guys eat their words more often than they spit ’em out, that too in exotic, indecipherable and bogus accents.

Chew-wah-wahs: This group loves ‘see food’. (As in ‘if I

see food, I eat food’). They are visible in office only when a cake is cut or a pizza ordered. In fact, they home in on an open tiffin box like a heat-seeking missile targeting a Taliban camp, and proceed to give embarrassed colleagues a lesson in wolfing down huge portions at warp speed. Beware! Watching can make you ‘see sick’. For this mobile digestion unit, everything goes... down the throat, that is.

Sycophantosaurus: Every office has them and every office hates them. Apart from missing a crucial piece of anatomy called the spine, these folks base their career entirely on kissing their superior’s posterior. When they’re not fetching boss coffee or asking about the boss’s wife’s mother’s sister-in-law’s hernia operation, they’re generally thinking up ways to go into raptures over the boss’s four-and-a-half-year-old presentation.

Dramacula: A sub-species of Sycophantosaurus, these people love the idiom: ‘Appearance can be deceiving’. So, they only appear when their superior is around, suddenly discovering the joy of work and putting up an impressive show of LBDN (looking busy doing nothing). This includes making loud noises at the right time, moving all over the office with rapid, long strides and screaming abuse on the cellphone. They’re normally found hiding behind a computer or a stack of files, where they’re busy snoring like wild elephants in heat, while their colleagues slog through the day. They are most active around appraisal time.

Tattle cattle: This species believes in the philosophy: “Have mouth, will gossip.” When they are not busy linking one half of the office to the other half, they indulge in badmouthing colleagues, most of whom are their ‘closest friends’ within the environs of the office. Normally found lurking around water dispensers, smoking areas and office canteens, most of them start a conversation with a dramatic “Did you hear...?” And you thought ‘Breaking News’ was a much-abused term.

Backstabbix: This one’s as dirty as they come. His or her philosophy: Divide and rule and look cool. They have no friends, yet call everyone a friend. Hobbies include starting dirty rumours about colleagues and pulling people down. A Backstabbix is more insecure than the Af-Pak border and more dangerous than a crazed fidayeen. Subject is always armed and dangerous. Keep your distance or shoot at sight.

Smellysockicks: This group forces the office to indulge in ‘stench warfare’. If it’s not the socks, it’s the mouth or simply BO. Every orifice is a danger zone. Apparently, in this day and age, these people are still not aware of products like deodorants. Stand next to them, sniff loudly and ask: “What’s that weird smell?” and there will be no effect. Selective hearing or earwax: Take your pick. These ‘cleanliphobic cretins’ inhabit most offices and usually come out of hibernation in peak summer to spread their stink and goodwill all over the office.

Men of steal: Kleptomaniacs have evolved into a modern species. Now, they prefer the term borrowers. Nothing is safe from this sophisticated band of bandits… pens, staplers, chairs, money, ideas, you name it. Heck, they even give the government a run for its money. These borrowers are never lonely…just ‘loan-some’. Now, hide that stapler before someone whacks it.

Workoholics anonymous: The most crucial cog of the office machinery — the quiet, efficient worker. The flip side is that they live and breathe their work 24x7. They give the same importance to family that the Thackerays give to North Indians. Their no-nonsense approach often has people like Backstabbix and Sycophantosaurus stealing a march over them. This species is nearing extinction. It can only be saved with massive disaster-management plan, which includes words like hikes, bonuses and a pat on the back.