Monday, December 10, 2012

Now, cops arrest kids for a question on Facebook


By Despondent Correspondent | Nov 23, 2012, 12.59 PM IST

MUMBAI: The Maharashtra police have arrested a five-year-old child for allegedly making disparaging remarks about Spider-Man on Facebook. Apparently, the child posted a question on his wall: "There is no zipper in Spider-Man's suit. Where does he pee from?"

Another child who liked the comment was also arrested.

The cops showed remarkable alacrity in the matter and swooped down on these tiny tots of terror who were all set to spread terror using Facebook. They also seized their crayons and action figures as evidence.

The kids were booked under POTA, TADA and some ancient law called the IT Act. Apparently, the "heinous attack" on the friendly neighbourhood Spider-Man cannot be tolerated because India - which has never had a friendly neighbourhood - refuses to condone any sort of negative remarks against public figures.

Calling the children a "threat to national security", a senior police official said: "How dare these kids have an opinion on anything. What do they think this is? A democracy?"

Later, a mob of some regional party supporters attacked an ice-cream parlour run by the child's mother. Apparently they were huge Spidey supporters. Besides, they didn't like the parlour's vanilla ice-cream. It was too white.

When a reporter asked the IT minister about the arrests and free speech, he said: "Of course Indians have free speech. It's broadcast from Red Fort on 15th August and is very, very long."

Another minister said: "We can't have people voicing their opinions on netas on Facebook. Next you'll have them linking A Raja to the 2G scam or Suresh Kalmadi to the CWG scam or, horror of horrors, show Madhu Koda and Lalu Prasad as corrupt. This should be nipped in the bud."

Meanwhile, the kids have found massive support by netizens. A number of people posted vague questions on Superheroes to show their support.

One person asked: "Why does Phantom wear a purple leotard in a green jungle?" Another wanted to know the "purpose of the ears in Batman's costume".

Meanwhile, a number of activists have appealed for a moratorium on posting anything sensible on Facebook. If you do have to post anything, use some complicated language. Apparently, the IQ levels of these offended parties are our last line of defence.

http://timesofindia.indiatimes.com/home/mocktale/Now-cops-arrest-kids-for-a-question-on-Facebook/articleshow/17334255.cms?

Textbook cracks non-veg joke, govt chickens out

By Despondent Correspondent | Nov 19, 2012, 06.01 AM IST

NEW DELHI: Days after it was revealed that chowmein can lead to rape, a new textbook for Class VI says non-vegetarian "food causes you to easily cheat, tell lies, forget promises, be dishonest, steal and commit sex crimes". In other words, consuming non-veg turns you into a politician.

Apparently, it also turns you into a terrorist, as seen by Pakistani terrorist Ajmal Kasab's constant demands for biryani.

The claims in the book have led to outrage across the country. A number of criminals as well as incarcerated politicians have sought termination of their prison terms, blaming all their crimes on non-veg food.

While former telecom minister A Raja has blamed his misdemeanors on a plate of butter chicken, former IOA chief Suresh Kalmadi felt he over-ate some mutton-do-piaza before the Commonwealth Games.

Even N D Tiwari claimed a dish of succulent seekh kebabs was the real culprit behind the "magical appearance" of a son.

Union HRD minister M M Pallam Raju called the text "unfortunate and an occasional aberration" while consuming the leg piece of a tandoori chicken. "It is a textbook case of a non-veg joke gone bad," he told reporters. A reporter than proceeded to pull his leg...err piece. The minister was not amused.

Later, some chicken-loving teachers threatened to go on a "book hartal". A spokesman for the Non-Vegetarian Teachers Association said: "We refuse to open a book till schools and the government turn text-savvy." A poorly paid teacher put it in perspective: "We have gone from non-wage jokes to non-veg jokes."

Interestingly, the book also lauds the Japanese for their vegetarian diet, which it says leads to a longer life span. Apparently, the author hasn't heard of the word "sushi". The Japanese also plan to include the text in a book, or rather a joke book.

Meanwhile, the sabzi mandi saw a massive increase in demand for vegetables, pushed by anxious parents eager to prevent their kids from becoming part of the government. In fact, a number of people from coastal states like West Bengal, Kerala and Goa have demanded that the government classify fish as a vegetable.

To top it all, many schools now plan to include a chapter on vegetarianism with pictures of scantily clad vegetarian models from PETA and do away with the chapter on sex education. A government official said no reference will be made to meat products or chicken barring the one objective type question: "Why did the chicken cross the road?"

http://timesofindia.indiatimes.com/home/mocktale/Textbook-cracks-non-veg-joke-govt-chickens-out/articleshow/17274563.cms?

Will US accept terror chief Saeed's aid offer?

By Despondent Correspondent

NEW DELHI: The US government may accept the offer of aid for superstorm Sandy made by Hafiz Saeed, the chief of JuD, founder of Lashkar-e-Taiba and Pakistan's moron-in-chief, provided he accept certain terms and conditions... or as they put it "jail term in poor conditions".

Saeed, sources say, is not your run-of-the-mill terrorist. In fact he doesn't run at all, leading to a rather roly-poly appearance not befitting a dreaded terrorist. On being asked about his aversion to running he reportedly said, "Who do you think I am? A red-haired woman called Lola?" To avoid all confusion, an aide clarified: "He's not Lola, god promise".

The west as well as India's intelligence services were taken aback by Saeed's benevolent aid offer. "We never knew he loved us Americans so much," a US official said in a voice choked with emotion.

"Here we were, planning to aim a Predator missile at his copious posterior and he offers us aid. Shame on us," the official added.

Sources said Saeed interrupted a US and Indian flag-burning rally to make the offer. In fact, Saeed himself was unavailable for comment as he was busy arranging a suicide attack function. Apparently, he was supposed to perform the song "Knock, knock knocking on heaven's door" for the fidayeen. "It is not a knock-knock joke," the source explained.

Moved by Saeed's generosity, the US had decided to give even more aid to Pakistan, a huge chunk of which is expected to go to LeT's parent organization ISI — India's favourite agency. LeT is expected to use the funds to train more jehadis, buy explosives and bid for an IPL team.

Meanwhile, the American propensity to provide billions of dollars as well as military supplies to the very country that breeds terrorists and gives shelter to Osama bin Laden continues to baffle the rest of the world.

Mocktale's resident expert Iknow Jackshit blamed it on a strange condition afflicting a number of people around the world called Acquired Intelligence Deficiency Syndrome. "The disease is also widespread among voters in India as well as most of the population in Pakistan," he said.

Amid all these developments, India's premier intelligence agency — who Intel refused to sponsor as there was no "intel inside" — descended on the hotel room of a visiting Pakistani politician to question him.

However, they were disappointed to see it was former PM Shujat Hussain and not the attractive Hina Rabbani Khar. Sources called it a routine intelligence failure.

http://timesofindia.indiatimes.com/home/mocktale/Will-US-accept-terror-chief-Saeeds-aid-offer/articleshow/17180295.cms?

No booth grabbing in US polls, Indians aghast

By Despondent Correspondent

NEW DELHI: As the US election machinery gets into action for the final stage of voting, Indian netas and voters alike have been overcome by a wave of sympathy for their American counterparts.

"There has not been one incident of booth grabbing. What kind of election is this," asked an MP from Bihar.

"I thought they had a gun culture that rivals Bihar, UP and Afghanistan. But, I don't see any armed goons roaming the streets or bullying voters. These Americans really don't know anything about politics," the distraught MP added.

[For readers who have managed to read three paragraphs without realizing this is a spoof article, we assure you, it really is fake. For readers who did realize, we apologize for the interruption.]

"There were no calls to boycott the elections either. Doesn't feel right," said some former voters from Kashmir and Chhattisgarh.

A worker from a mainstream political party wanted to volunteer to go to the US to teach them how to campaign. Apparently, the lack of loudspeaker-toting open jeeps on the streets and no flags littered on the streets really affected him.

Another politician from UP was surprised to hear that there are no jailed politicians fighting the US elections. "What? No murderers in the fray? This is an outrage. It must be corrected before they can infect India with such thoughts," he screamed.

Down south, many voters were shocked at the fact that no country liquor was being offered to the "poor American" voters. "How will they make up their mind on who to vote for? These Americans know nothing about democracy," they chorused.

When told that US politicians don't offer voters colour TV sets or mixer grinders either, the voters from Tamil Nadu were aghast. Their only solace was that Americans has taken a leaf out of Indian politics and occasionally voted for filmstars like Ronald Reagan and Arnold Schwarzenegger.

A leading Indian minister said Americans must learn from India. "They should use cold hard cash for horse-trading in the senate and obviously take all their party leaders to some fancy resort and lock them in. They have much to learn from us."

http://timesofindia.indiatimes.com/home/mocktale/No-booth-grabbing-in-US-polls-Indians-aghast/articleshow/17120585.cms?

Kasab down with dengue, mosquito hailed

By Despondent Correspondent | Nov 4, 2012, 06.27 PM IST

MUMBAI: Biryani-loving Pakistani terrorist Ajmal Kasab is said to be suffering from high-grade fever after being allegedly bitten by a mosquito. Sources say an inquiry has been ordered into how the mosquito managed to infiltrate the high-security prison.

However, the actions of the brave Aedes mosquito are being hailed all over the country. "Perhaps this mosquito may have done what the Indian government and judicial system have failed to do," an elated Mumbai resident said.

Some citizens wanted to arrange a felicitation ceremony for the brave mosquito but the mosquito is not answering his phone. Others were concerned for its health considering the quality of blood it may have ingested.

The Maharashtra government has announced a reward of Rs 50 lakh for the mosquito along with a flat in Adarsh building and a plot of "farming land" in Pune. The railways is ready to provide it a job.

The Pakistani terrorist is currently lodged in a bomb-proof, egg-shaped cell at the jail since his arrest. His prison may even have inspired Lady Gaga's performance of "Born this way", an expert said.

Unfortunately, the mosquito itself is incommunicado. Jail sources say his brazen attack took everyone by surprise and it could even have been a fidayeen.

"It was a precision air strike. Before we could even react, the mosquito had carried out the sting operation and all we got was a vigorously scratching Kasab."

"Well, to itch his own," a jailer added. Some of the guards pretended to kill the insect but sources said they were just clapping.

Meanwhile, Pakistan has condemned this heinous act and demanded New Delhi take strict action against the outfit behind it. Islamabad summoned the Indian envoy to issue a demarche and is even willing to hand over Dawood Ibrahim in exchange for the mosquito.

http://timesofindia.indiatimes.com/home/mocktale/Kasab-down-with-dengue-mosquito-hailed/articleshow/17088556.cms?

Drivers demand directors' posts, threaten strike

By Despondent Correspondent | Oct 26, 2012, 09.33 PM IST

NEW DELHI: Drivers all over the country are threatening to strike work unless they're made directors as done so 'selflessly' by BJP chief Nitin Gadkari. "Make us directors, we can make good films, just like Ram Gopal Varma," a driver told Mocktale. When told that the post was actually the director of a company he shrugged and said, "That also works."

Several drivers were seen flashing their driving licences at the BJP headquarters in the capital. A BJP spokesperson told them, "Please wait your turn. We have many ministers. I am sure there are hundreds of such jobs available." Earlier, sources said Gadkari was heard screaming at his computer when it allegedly asked him to update his driver.

The RSS, however, washed its hands of the BJP chief. "What to do? He just doesn't look good in khaki shorts," a senior RSS functionary said.

Meanwhile, Robert Vadra is said to have sent a note using his driver to Gadkari, which reportedly thanked the large BJP president for taking the heat off him.

Later, Vadra was seen beaming after getting news of a clean chit issued to him over allegations of corruption. He then used the clean chit to clean his hands as it apparently had something to do with 'hath ki safai'.

Amid all these developments, external affairs minister SM Krishna resigned. He wanted to give a farewell speech but could not find any other country's written speech lying around. Krishna later said he wanted to "give youngsters a chance". On hearing this, youth Congress leader Rahul Gandhi immediately called Pakistan's Shahid Afridi for tips on staying young.

Afridi told him: "Bite the ball. I did it once. It works." He may have meant 'bullet' but the young Congress general secretary was left puzzled nonetheless.

Meanwhile, BJP is standing behind its president. "He's big enough to shield us all," a party functionary said.

http://timesofindia.indiatimes.com/home/mocktale/Drivers-demand-directors-posts-threaten-strike/articleshow/16971872.cms?

President rejects Ravan's mercy plea

By Despondent Correspondent | Oct 24, 2012, 09.23 PM IST

NEW DELHI: Ravan, the former ruler of Lanka known for his daring abduction of Sita, exploded into flames on Wednesday night during Dussehra after President Pranab Mukherjee rejected a dramatic last-minute mercy plea by the 10-headed demon.

Mocktale has with it Ravan's last statement. He wrote: "I urge you, Mr President, not to treat me in the same league as Kasab. Unlike me, he is just evil. Besides, I am better looking."

"As you know, I was shot in the belly button by Lord Ram, which was just cheating, as Ram used navel power. To add to my misery, you make horrendous films in my name and burn me every year using crackers of dreadful quality. Where is the justice in that?" he asked.

Sources close to Lord Ram rejected the cheating claim. He just made a "belly good" target, they said. Ravan's lawyer, ironically named Ram Jethmalani, told reporters to leave Ravan alone. "If you want to target fat celebrities, go after Gadkari," he said.

Ravan asked the president if it was justified burning a public figure considering the prices of petrol and diesel. Besides, doesn't it lead to air pollution? he asked.

"First, your Hanuman comes to my country, spins a tall tail, and causes the worst case of air pollution ever and now this. And where is your PUC certificate?" he fumed.

Ravan also decried the practice of burning effigies. "Your people burn effigies of corrupt netas. I am sure it feels good. But it's a travesty of justice to do the same thing to them that you do to me, year after year. They make me look like a saint. Please for the love of God, stop this inhuman practice," he wailed.

" Yes, I abducted Sita. But I flew her in Kingfisher. I also kept her in Ashok Vatika - it's a 5-star hotel now. I treated her better than your khaps treat women here. Besides, your Ram's brother cut off my sister's nose damn it! Did you know how much she had to spend on plastic surgery? Thankfully, docs say she can follow the trend and become a Bollywood star."

Meanwhile, the National Commission for Women condemned Lord Ram's brother Laxman for cutting off the nose of a hapless woman. "Such a procedure should have been performed by a trained professional only," it said

http://timesofindia.indiatimes.com/home/mocktale/President-rejects-Ravans-mercy-plea/articleshow/16943368.cms?

India’s sense of humour stolen; probe ordered

By Despondent Correspondent | Oct 15, 2012, 08.57 PM IST

NEW DELHI: In a daring robbery in broad daylight, miscreants grabbed India's sense of humour and vanished into thin air.

Not amused by the turn of events, grim-faced Cabinet ministers ordered a one-man committee headed by a retired judge to probe the robbery. Sources said the ministers wanted to laugh off the incident but couldn't. Prime Minister Manmohan Singh was unaffected by the incident. "He never laughs anyway," said an unreliable source.

Growing intolerance on the streets and in the comments section of various newspaper reports also said to have been influenced by this dreadful crime. "People are even taking spoof articles as news reports," said a harried journalist.

Sources said the robbers did not manage to steal the entire payload. Some hints of the treasure still abound in the country. A thinktank ordered to study the phenomenon found traces of sense of humour in various activities, irrefutable evidence of which was in the choice of people India voted for. "Some people definitely have a sense of humour. Look at who they elected," said professor Iknow Jackshit, who headed the study.

On Sunday, law minister Salman Khurshid tried to refute the findings of this study by attempting to hold a hilarious press conference. The end-result of the experiment, beamed live across India, is still disputed.

Later, Union steel minister Beni Prasad Verma made a case for being called the "steal" minister by trying hard to make the public laugh and literally defending corruption. His party high command may not have gotten the joke.

Meanwhile, experts have blamed incidents of massive outrage related to anything remotely religious in the country on this "theft of the century".

Professor Jackshit said at a press conference: "Indians have forgotten to laugh at themselves. I believe it has something to do with a medical condition similar to constipation and can be cured over time with the use of laxatives and joke books." Watching the news, he said, could aggravate the situation.

"I believe years of corruption, crimes and soaring prices have been the mitigating factors behind this massive constipation pandemic," he added.

The professor then took a leaf from law minister Salman Khurshid's book and lashed out at a sports reporter for asking the wrong question. Apparently, bowel movement has nothing to do with swing bowling. "I'll see you in court," he screamed. Later he clarified that he was referring to a tennis court.

Meanwhile, Mamata Banerjee, who lost her own sense of humour at birth, condemned the incident and said this "UPA govt won't last for more than six months".

http://timesofindia.indiatimes.com/home/mocktale/Indias-sense-of-humour-stolen-probe-ordered/articleshow/16825936.cms?

Pakistan declared new winner of Nobel Peace Prize

By Despondent Correspondent | Oct 14, 2012, 09.49 AM IST

OSLO/ISLAMABAD: Pakistan was declared the winner of the Nobel Peace Prize for 2012 for its efforts in ridding the world of Indians, Americans and Afghanistanis, refusing to arrest hardcore terrorists despite global pressure and giving shelter to the saintly Osama bin Laden.

There was widespread celebration all over the country after this announcement. "We're having a blast," said some peace-loving citizens armed with rocket launchers. Many others took a break from attacking embassies and planting landmines to join the revelry.

Pakistan has been the key to transforming Asia "from a continent of wars to a continent of peace," committee chairman Thorbjoern Jagland said while announcing the award in Oslo. "We specially laud its work to spread peace in the neighbourhood," he added.

The president of Pakistan Asif Ali Zardari is said to have welcomed the news. He was later heard asking some reporters if he would be entitled to 10% of the prize money. He the addressed a press conference and said: "We are the world's leading exporter of terrorists and taxi drivers. And now the world has recognized our talents."

In the midst of all these celebrations, a controversy has broken out. Officials of the Pak Taliban and al-Qaida have also demanded a share of the prize, claiming to have played a major role in putting Pakistan on the map of the world.

The leader of al-Qaida was interrupted while he was watching a pirated DVD of Rambo-III to be given the news of the prize. Sources said the elated leader reportedly jumped on a table and danced gangnam style, complete with pelvic thrusts after hearing the news.

Meanwhile, the Americans have praised the choice of award and decided to add to it by giving Pakistan another few billion dollars along with some F-16 jets and Apache attack helicopters. China too plans to continue to aid Pakistan's peace loving ways by providing military hardware.

Some Pakistani intellectuals (read ISI supporters) have demanded that the Nobel Committee also award Ajmal Kasab for having survived so many days in prison and for showing exemplary courage in demanding chicken biryani.

Meanwhile, the Indian government plans to solve the 26/11 Mumbai attacks case by holding more peace talks with Pakistan.

http://timesofindia.indiatimes.com/home/mocktale/Pakistan-declared-new-winner-of-Nobel-Peace-Prize/articleshow/16806181.cms?

Haryana offers 33% reservation to women on the road

By Despondent Correspondent | Oct 12, 2012, 03.29 PM IST

GURGAON: In a remarkable show of benevolence by a state government, Haryana has offered safe passage to 33% women on the road. However, the remaining 67% are responsible for their own safety.

With stalwarts like former CM Om Prakash Chautala and various khap panchayats calling the state home, the Haryana government said it was natural for women to feel safe in such a secure environment.

Readers will recall the demand of Chautala and the khaps of reducing the marriageable age of women to 16. Sources say these learned gentlemen believe the age and marital status of the women is the root cause of all rapes.

"The have discovered the ultimate weapon to combat sexual assault — the mangalsutra," said an official.

But, don't married women get raped, Mocktale asked. A minister puffed out his chest and said proudly, "Not in Haryana. We only grope and molest them." He later went on record to say most rapes are consensual. Reports say their is a consensus in public to jail the minister and let him experience the joys of consensual rape in prison.

Another Haryana MLA urged the press to highlight Haryana as destination for grope visits. "In fact, we have a tourist spot for such activities called Gurgaon. Various MNCs are flocking to it," he added.

Mobs of drunk men assaulting women on Gurgaon roads are chastened by this new development. "Thirty-three per cent is too much yaar. What do we do for entertainment now," asked a burly goon standing beside his SUV. Another one, with a blank look on his face, said: "I was told to hit on women".

These 'gentlemen' have colourful hobbies. Most of them spend their day agitating, blocking roads, burning vehicles and shooting toll booth attendants. At night, they take it easy and assault women for leisure.

The Haryana government meanwhile has released some guidelines for women to follow for their own safety. These include staying at home after dark, not wearing jeans, getting sold legally on the market along with cattle and getting married at 14.

http://timesofindia.indiatimes.com/home/mocktale/Haryana-offers-33-reservation-to-women-on-the-road/articleshow/16782001.cms?

MPs demand 50% reservation for the corrupt

By Despondent Correspondent | Oct 10, 2012, 09.23 AM IST

NEW DELHI: A group of MPs headed by someone who looked suspiciously like Suresh Kalmadi, has demanded that the government provide 50% reservation for the corrupt in Parliament.

"We will consider backing 33% reservation for women (in exchange for a small fee) only after government accedes to our request," said the bearded MP heading the group.

Some netas were shocked at this demand. One senior politician told Mocktale on condition of anonymity that the flipside of this bill could mean "the remaining 50% of Parliamentarians may actually be honest".

"This plan," he said "was a vile, abhorrent idea that should never be allowed. Imagine? Actual, honest politicians! What's next? Prime Ministers who speak?"

However, a number of other netas were in favour of the quota. In a voice choked with emotion, one MP said: "Are we not humans? Don't corrupt people breathe? I demand this reservation immediately in the interest of human rights and starving netas. And while we're at it, ban this CAG too."

Meanwhile, a former CM, Madhu Koda, has decided to provide tuitions in the art of money laundering and corruption. "It's a dying art and must be encouraged," he said. Apparently, one of the qualifications for entering the Koda School of Public Honesty is a Swiss bank account. Sources said there is a long waiting list.

A UPA spokesperson was heard saying: "What do you need reservation for? Don't we ensure a high percentage of corrupt in Parliament? Even our allies provide wholehearted support in this endeavour."

Some MPs and MLAs however, have decided to go on a fast demanding passage of the Mandatory Corrupt Simians In Parliament Act. The fast is sponsored by a popular burger brand which, in a cruel joke, has put up a banner in front of the fasting politicians asking "Hungry Kya?" Most fasting MPs, when asked this question, refused to comment. One conspiratorially whispered: "Of course, but for the money".

Meanwhile, a spokesperson for Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Politicians (SPCP) said: "Have mercy on these corrupt politicians. They were born ugly, forcing them to resort to other means to eke out a living. Look at some of the scams 2G, CWG, DLF. Yup. Ugly."

TOI link: http://timesofindia.indiatimes.com/home/mocktale/MPs-demand-50-reservation-for-the-corrupt/articleshow/16748657.cms?

Aliens land on Earth, fail to find intelligent life

By Despondent Correspondent | Oct 4, 2012, 01.42 PM IST

NEW DELHI: The aliens have landed. They look strange, talk gibberish, and eat just about anything. And no, they are not Chinese.

These strange exotic creatures landed in the middle of Delhi's India Gate and demanded to be taken to the king. Some folks immediately tried to book an appointment with Shah Rukh Khan but Don ko pakadna mushkil hi nahi namumkin hain.

One citizen approached the aliens and informed him that we only have a Queen of Italian origin. Perhaps they could speak to our PM provided they speak in sign language as our PM is a man of few words. Also, he is not fluent in Alien.

The aliens agreed and an entourage headed for the PM's residence. It took them a while to reach due to traffic jams as some minister's convoy was passing through. The PM welcomed them with folded hands and immediately asked them to push some FDI into the country.

The government tried to accord them a red carpet welcome but the plan was scrapped due to opposition from Mamata Banerjee who doesn't like the colour red.

On being asked for the purpose of their visit, the alien spokesperson (or spokesalien if you prefer) said their choice of food was coal and they had heard the resource was freely available in India.

The PM appeared shocked at first. But showing remarkable composure and presence of mind he handled it the only way he could. He ordered an auction.

Meanwhile, the aliens were taken on a tour of the country. Like all foreign visitors, they made a beeline for the slums and snapped lots of pictures. One of them even wanted to book a plot in the area. Another person wanted to know what Rahul Gandhi was doing there.

They were also shown statues of Behen Mayawati. They recoiled with horror and some of them shielded their children's eyes and later lodged a protest claiming India had violated the Geneva convention by subjecting them to such cruelty.

The leader of the entourage also had a meeting with the opposition leaders. He is said to have marveled at the posture of the species despite missing a spine.

They concluded the visit by praising Indian ministers' love for coal and cash and showed a desire to replicate the famed Indian ability to reproduce at such an astounding rate. Their parting words were: "Your country loves to get screwed."

TOI Link: http://timesofindia.indiatimes.com/home/mocktale/Aliens-land-on-Earth-fail-to-find-intelligent-life/articleshow/16667075.cms?

Two days without a scam, nation shocked

By Despondent Correspondent | Oct 3, 2012, 07.44 AM IST

NEW DELHI: In a shocking development, India has gone a full 48 hours without a new scam being reported. There was an uproar in Parliament over the lethargy shown by the government in the field of corruption.

The leader of the opposition in the Lok Sabha said: "India is among the world's top countries in terms of scams and corruptions. However, the shocking lack of any new scam being reported in two days shows the government is not serious about stealing from the poor." She then rushed to the well of the House screaming, "All is well". UPA leaders countered her with chants of "Shush, Ma! Shush, Ma!"

SP leader Mulayam Singh was heard telling both parties he'll support them at all costs.

Later, TMC leader Mamata Banerjee called a press conference to condemn this 'shocking attempt at honesty and clean governance'. She said her party would move a no-confidence motion against the UPA government but no one in the press conference understood her accent.

The media too unleashed a series of editorials slamming the lack of scams. "What will we print?" was the popular question. Some news channel anchors were seen frothing at the mouth and screaming for answers but experts said this was normal behaviour.

Shaken by the developments, the Prime Minster addressed the nation live and promised to tackle the situation after the go-ahead from Madam. He first apologized for his statement: "Money does not grow on trees." He said: "Clearly, I was mistaken. Money does grow on trees. However, these trees are only found in the homes of people with stakes in coal mines."

The PM promised that judicious use of the RTI act, sting operations by TV channels and vague reports by the CAG will soon bring more scams to light. "It is inevitable," he said.

Meanwhile, to give citizens other things to focus on, the government raised the price of fuel. "I like raising the price of fuel every now and then. It is a hobby," said petroleum minister Jaipal Reddy.

Baba Ramdev too joined the jamboree. He started by congratulating the PM over his miracle - the discovery of speech. Addressing a press conference in women's clothes, which he claimed are the latest fashion, the guru told the nation to sit in front of their TVs and vigorously push their stomachs in and out in an attempt to fight corruption.

Sources said by the time this article gets printed a new scam is bound to have come to light.

Original: http://timesofindia.indiatimes.com/home/mocktale/Two-days-without-a-scam-nation-shocked/articleshow/16649697.cms?

India to loan Maya, N D Tiwari to Afghanistan

By Despondent Correspondent | Published in TOI: Sep 29, 2012, 03.37 PM IST

NEW DELHI: Former UP chief minister Mayawati, who bears a striking resemblance to some strange statues found all over the state, is in the news again. The central government has decided to loan Behenji to Afghanistan to help the state rebuild statues destroyed in the war.

Sources said Afghanistan may protest this benevolence shown by India and may even take the matter to the United Nations. Behen Mayawati, who apparently fought poverty in UP by building ugly statues and wearing garlands of cash, may not be too amused by this development.

When asked why she didn't want to go, the former CM is said to have rued the lack of money-making opportunities in the region as well as a shortage of cash garlands.

In another development, the UPA government has also decided to send veteran politician N D Tiwari to Kabul to help repopulate the country...err by encouraging family planning measures of course.

When asked to comment on the development, Tiwari said: "Kabul hai, Kabul hai, Kabul hai." Apparently, one of his first steps in the country will be to urge the Karzai government to ban DNA tests.

Meanwhile, Congress sharpshooter Digvijay Singh, who, allegedly, is no longer as sharp, has also evinced a keen interest in going to Afghanistan. However, his transfer will not be allowed as it violates the MTCR (missile technology control regime). An Afghan official told TOI: "We already have loose cannons."

Original link: http://timesofindia.indiatimes.com/home/mocktale/India-to-loan-Maya-N-D-Tiwari-to-Afghanistan/articleshow/16601850.cms

Didi to PM: Debt do us apart


By Despondent Correspondent | (Published in TOI online: Sep 28, 2012, 06.55 PM IST)

NEW DELHI/KOLKATA: In a shocking development last week, the diminutive cartoon-loving chief minister of West Bengal announced a divorce from Manmohan Singh citing irreconcilable differences. Sources said there was much dancing in the Union Cabinet after the announcement and the finance minister may have even twirled his lungi.

In Kolkata, Mamata appeared tightlipped — a remarkable achievement — over the developments. When pressed on the matter, she just said, "It eej a rollbhack." She then ended the press conference by calling all journalists Maoists.

Senior officials close to the chief minister told this paper on condition of anonymity — and large sums of money — that the CM was 'fed up' with Manmohan's infidelity and silent nature.

"Enough is enough. The PM's new adulterous affair with this foreign woman, FDI, was the last straw. And though she couldn't pronounce the word 'talaq' due to an aggressive Bengali accent, she made it clear the two couldn't continue this relationship anymore," a source said.

An official of the Union Cabinet said Manmohan was thrilled with the decision. "One can only be henpecked to one person at a time and our PM's favourite food is Italy-Dosa (another word for pizza)," he said.

Didi, who is affectionately known as Mamataliban in New Delhi circles, is said to be preparing an offensive against Ms FDI coming to India. Unfortunately, she can't brand her Maoist.

Meanwhile, the fiery leader has allegedly deputed someone alleged to be her nephew to allegedly slap anyone who looks like doing his job. Apparently, this leads to increased efficiency levels.

She has also announced a crackdown on the evil practice of cartooning in the state. "They should know bhear to draw the line," she was heard saying. It seems that cartoons can lead to other social evils like chuckling or laughing and Didi is not going to stand for such witchcraft encouraged by the previous "gobharment".

Prime Minister Manmohan Singh has refused to comment on the development. Till he gets permission of course.

Link for original story on TOI: http://timesofindia.indiatimes.com/home/mocktale/Didi-to-PM-Debt-do-us-apart/articleshow/16590731.cms?