Are You A Liftosaur?

By Manas Gupta

Have you ever entered a lift and wished you’d taken the stairs because the other person with you is breaking every rule in the book? Chances are you have, unless that obnoxious rule-allergic liftosaurus is you. So, is there really a rule book of elevator etiquette? Yes, there is. Well, it’s not a leather-bound tome locked up in a safe, but an unsaid understanding derived from common sense.

So what are these invisible rules that we love to break? Here’s a TOI analysis, with some help from Asterix.

ROWDYNOMICS

We often treat the lift as Metro compartment, rushing to get in even before the individuals standing inside can come out. Believe it or not folks, that lift will come back, unless it has a date with a hot female lift. If you can't find space inside the metal contraption, try letting the ones inside come out. There's a word for this process. I think it is called cooperation.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

DOORMATIX

Some fellow citizens use the lift door for their daily entertainment. Whenever they see a friendly face rushing towards the door, they immediately press the door-close button instead of holding it open. As the door closes, they even flash a grin at the hapless fellow, as if to say: “Take the next one chum”.

LETHARGIX

Is your weight more than your IQ? If yes, consider skipping the lift altogether. Read this slowly - S T A I R S. Not only will the exercise help you burn some calories, it will also be safer for others who use the lift. Have you heard of shock absorbers in cars? Well, I don't think lifts have them. If you're the slim-shady variety, then using the lift for just one floor is still not advisable. It is just one floor people. How lazy can you get?

 

MOBILEANTIX

The word 'loud' is particularly abhorred by the liftocracy. So, if you have loud voices, loud mobile ringtones and a loud personality, we have got two words for you: Zip it. Look around you. Do you see an outlet for all the exasperating noise? Neither do we. In a silent lift filled with strangers, a sudden outburst of 'Munni badnam hui' is not really welcome. Remember that vibrator mode in your phone? Try to use it sometimes. And we don't want to hear the dirty talk from your girlfriend on the other line either. There's a reason they put those volume controls on the side of a phone.

UPSTANDIX

When you enter a lift, how do you stand, where do you look, what do you do? For a start, move away from the door. It kinda stops it from closing. When you enter, most of the folks inside will have their faces towards the door. These folks are sane. If you stand facing them, you are not. Do not stare. Not even if Pamela Anderson and Katrina Kaif are in the lift. Look down as if you are guilty about
something. Eye contact is an excellent conversational tool but in a claustrophobic lift it amounts to staring. If you wanted to stare, you should have taken the 'stare case'. And unless you like being squashed together like passengers in a DTC bus, give other folks some breathing space.

 

DOGMATTERIX

There are lots of other do's and don'ts. These include preventing your pet from taking a leak inside the lift. The same goes for you. It's a lift, not WikiLeaks. If you have a dog or a bicycle to transport, it's better to wait for an empty lift rather than inconvenience others. If there's a mirror in the lift, do not use it to check the number of hair in your nose or the pimples on your cheek. That's just cheeky. And lastly, no naughty PDA. Get a room people...one with windows.

Note: All illustrations are by Times of India's Ajit Ninan. This article appeared in TOI-Crest in Sept, 2011.