Now, cops arrest kids for a question on Facebook

By Despondent Correspondent | Nov 23, 2012, 12.59 PM IST

MUMBAI: The Maharashtra police have arrested a five-year-old child for allegedly making disparaging remarks about Spider-Man on Facebook. Apparently, the child posted a question on his wall: "There is no zipper in Spider-Man's suit. Where does he pee from?"

Another child who liked the comment was also arrested.

The cops showed remarkable alacrity in the matter and swooped down on these tiny tots of terror who were all set to spread terror using Facebook. They also seized their crayons and action figures as evidence.

The kids were booked under POTA, TADA and some ancient law called the IT Act. Apparently, the "heinous attack" on the friendly neighbourhood Spider-Man cannot be tolerated because India - which has never had a friendly neighbourhood - refuses to condone any sort of negative remarks against public figures.

Calling the children a "threat to national security", a senior police official said: "How dare these kids have an opinion on anything. What do they think this is? A democracy?"

Later, a mob of some regional party supporters attacked an ice-cream parlour run by the child's mother. Apparently they were huge Spidey supporters. Besides, they didn't like the parlour's vanilla ice-cream. It was too white.

When a reporter asked the IT minister about the arrests and free speech, he said: "Of course Indians have free speech. It's broadcast from Red Fort on 15th August and is very, very long."

Another minister said: "We can't have people voicing their opinions on netas on Facebook. Next you'll have them linking A Raja to the 2G scam or Suresh Kalmadi to the CWG scam or, horror of horrors, show Madhu Koda and Lalu Prasad as corrupt. This should be nipped in the bud."

Meanwhile, the kids have found massive support by netizens. A number of people posted vague questions on Superheroes to show their support.

One person asked: "Why does Phantom wear a purple leotard in a green jungle?" Another wanted to know the "purpose of the ears in Batman's costume".

Meanwhile, a number of activists have appealed for a moratorium on posting anything sensible on Facebook. If you do have to post anything, use some complicated language. Apparently, the IQ levels of these offended parties are our last line of defence.

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Textbook cracks non-veg joke, govt chickens out

By Despondent Correspondent | Nov 19, 2012, 06.01 AM IST

NEW DELHI: Days after it was revealed that chowmein can lead to rape, a new textbook for Class VI says non-vegetarian "food causes you to easily cheat, tell lies, forget promises, be dishonest, steal and commit sex crimes". In other words, consuming non-veg turns you into a politician.

Apparently, it also turns you into a terrorist, as seen by Pakistani terrorist Ajmal Kasab's constant demands for biryani.

The claims in the book have led to outrage across the country. A number of criminals as well as incarcerated politicians have sought termination of their prison terms, blaming all their crimes on non-veg food.

While former telecom minister A Raja has blamed his misdemeanors on a plate of butter chicken, former IOA chief Suresh Kalmadi felt he over-ate some mutton-do-piaza before the Commonwealth Games.

Even N D Tiwari claimed a dish of succulent seekh kebabs was the real culprit behind the "magical appearance" of a son.

Union HRD minister M M Pallam Raju called the text "unfortunate and an occasional aberration" while consuming the leg piece of a tandoori chicken. "It is a textbook case of a non-veg joke gone bad," he told reporters. A reporter than proceeded to pull his leg...err piece. The minister was not amused.

Later, some chicken-loving teachers threatened to go on a "book hartal". A spokesman for the Non-Vegetarian Teachers Association said: "We refuse to open a book till schools and the government turn text-savvy." A poorly paid teacher put it in perspective: "We have gone from non-wage jokes to non-veg jokes."

Interestingly, the book also lauds the Japanese for their vegetarian diet, which it says leads to a longer life span. Apparently, the author hasn't heard of the word "sushi". The Japanese also plan to include the text in a book, or rather a joke book.

Meanwhile, the sabzi mandi saw a massive increase in demand for vegetables, pushed by anxious parents eager to prevent their kids from becoming part of the government. In fact, a number of people from coastal states like West Bengal, Kerala and Goa have demanded that the government classify fish as a vegetable.

To top it all, many schools now plan to include a chapter on vegetarianism with pictures of scantily clad vegetarian models from PETA and do away with the chapter on sex education. A government official said no reference will be made to meat products or chicken barring the one objective type question: "Why did the chicken cross the road?"

http://timesofindia.indiatimes.com/home/mocktale/Textbook-cracks-non-veg-joke-govt-chickens-out/articleshow/17274563.cms?

Will US accept terror chief Saeed's aid offer?

By Despondent Correspondent

NEW DELHI: The US government may accept the offer of aid for superstorm Sandy made by Hafiz Saeed, the chief of JuD, founder of Lashkar-e-Taiba and Pakistan's moron-in-chief, provided he accept certain terms and conditions... or as they put it "jail term in poor conditions".

Saeed, sources say, is not your run-of-the-mill terrorist. In fact he doesn't run at all, leading to a rather roly-poly appearance not befitting a dreaded terrorist. On being asked about his aversion to running he reportedly said, "Who do you think I am? A red-haired woman called Lola?" To avoid all confusion, an aide clarified: "He's not Lola, god promise".

The west as well as India's intelligence services were taken aback by Saeed's benevolent aid offer. "We never knew he loved us Americans so much," a US official said in a voice choked with emotion.

"Here we were, planning to aim a Predator missile at his copious posterior and he offers us aid. Shame on us," the official added.

Sources said Saeed interrupted a US and Indian flag-burning rally to make the offer. In fact, Saeed himself was unavailable for comment as he was busy arranging a suicide attack function. Apparently, he was supposed to perform the song "Knock, knock knocking on heaven's door" for the fidayeen. "It is not a knock-knock joke," the source explained.

Moved by Saeed's generosity, the US had decided to give even more aid to Pakistan, a huge chunk of which is expected to go to LeT's parent organization ISI — India's favourite agency. LeT is expected to use the funds to train more jehadis, buy explosives and bid for an IPL team.

Meanwhile, the American propensity to provide billions of dollars as well as military supplies to the very country that breeds terrorists and gives shelter to Osama bin Laden continues to baffle the rest of the world.

Mocktale's resident expert Iknow Jackshit blamed it on a strange condition afflicting a number of people around the world called Acquired Intelligence Deficiency Syndrome. "The disease is also widespread among voters in India as well as most of the population in Pakistan," he said.

Amid all these developments, India's premier intelligence agency — who Intel refused to sponsor as there was no "intel inside" — descended on the hotel room of a visiting Pakistani politician to question him.

However, they were disappointed to see it was former PM Shujat Hussain and not the attractive Hina Rabbani Khar. Sources called it a routine intelligence failure.

http://timesofindia.indiatimes.com/home/mocktale/Will-US-accept-terror-chief-Saeeds-aid-offer/articleshow/17180295.cms?

No booth grabbing in US polls, Indians aghast

By Despondent Correspondent

NEW DELHI: As the US election machinery gets into action for the final stage of voting, Indian netas and voters alike have been overcome by a wave of sympathy for their American counterparts.

"There has not been one incident of booth grabbing. What kind of election is this," asked an MP from Bihar.

"I thought they had a gun culture that rivals Bihar, UP and Afghanistan. But, I don't see any armed goons roaming the streets or bullying voters. These Americans really don't know anything about politics," the distraught MP added.

[For readers who have managed to read three paragraphs without realizing this is a spoof article, we assure you, it really is fake. For readers who did realize, we apologize for the interruption.]

"There were no calls to boycott the elections either. Doesn't feel right," said some former voters from Kashmir and Chhattisgarh.

A worker from a mainstream political party wanted to volunteer to go to the US to teach them how to campaign. Apparently, the lack of loudspeaker-toting open jeeps on the streets and no flags littered on the streets really affected him.

Another politician from UP was surprised to hear that there are no jailed politicians fighting the US elections. "What? No murderers in the fray? This is an outrage. It must be corrected before they can infect India with such thoughts," he screamed.

Down south, many voters were shocked at the fact that no country liquor was being offered to the "poor American" voters. "How will they make up their mind on who to vote for? These Americans know nothing about democracy," they chorused.

When told that US politicians don't offer voters colour TV sets or mixer grinders either, the voters from Tamil Nadu were aghast. Their only solace was that Americans has taken a leaf out of Indian politics and occasionally voted for filmstars like Ronald Reagan and Arnold Schwarzenegger.

A leading Indian minister said Americans must learn from India. "They should use cold hard cash for horse-trading in the senate and obviously take all their party leaders to some fancy resort and lock them in. They have much to learn from us."

http://timesofindia.indiatimes.com/home/mocktale/No-booth-grabbing-in-US-polls-Indians-aghast/articleshow/17120585.cms?

Kasab down with dengue, mosquito hailed

By Despondent Correspondent | Nov 4, 2012, 06.27 PM IST

MUMBAI: Biryani-loving Pakistani terrorist Ajmal Kasab is said to be suffering from high-grade fever after being allegedly bitten by a mosquito. Sources say an inquiry has been ordered into how the mosquito managed to infiltrate the high-security prison.

However, the actions of the brave Aedes mosquito are being hailed all over the country. "Perhaps this mosquito may have done what the Indian government and judicial system have failed to do," an elated Mumbai resident said.

Some citizens wanted to arrange a felicitation ceremony for the brave mosquito but the mosquito is not answering his phone. Others were concerned for its health considering the quality of blood it may have ingested.

The Maharashtra government has announced a reward of Rs 50 lakh for the mosquito along with a flat in Adarsh building and a plot of "farming land" in Pune. The railways is ready to provide it a job.

The Pakistani terrorist is currently lodged in a bomb-proof, egg-shaped cell at the jail since his arrest. His prison may even have inspired Lady Gaga's performance of "Born this way", an expert said.

Unfortunately, the mosquito itself is incommunicado. Jail sources say his brazen attack took everyone by surprise and it could even have been a fidayeen.

"It was a precision air strike. Before we could even react, the mosquito had carried out the sting operation and all we got was a vigorously scratching Kasab."

"Well, to itch his own," a jailer added. Some of the guards pretended to kill the insect but sources said they were just clapping.

Meanwhile, Pakistan has condemned this heinous act and demanded New Delhi take strict action against the outfit behind it. Islamabad summoned the Indian envoy to issue a demarche and is even willing to hand over Dawood Ibrahim in exchange for the mosquito.

http://timesofindia.indiatimes.com/home/mocktale/Kasab-down-with-dengue-mosquito-hailed/articleshow/17088556.cms?

Drivers demand directors' posts, threaten strike

By Despondent Correspondent | Oct 26, 2012, 09.33 PM IST

NEW DELHI: Drivers all over the country are threatening to strike work unless they're made directors as done so 'selflessly' by BJP chief Nitin Gadkari. "Make us directors, we can make good films, just like Ram Gopal Varma," a driver told Mocktale. When told that the post was actually the director of a company he shrugged and said, "That also works."

Several drivers were seen flashing their driving licences at the BJP headquarters in the capital. A BJP spokesperson told them, "Please wait your turn. We have many ministers. I am sure there are hundreds of such jobs available." Earlier, sources said Gadkari was heard screaming at his computer when it allegedly asked him to update his driver.

The RSS, however, washed its hands of the BJP chief. "What to do? He just doesn't look good in khaki shorts," a senior RSS functionary said.

Meanwhile, Robert Vadra is said to have sent a note using his driver to Gadkari, which reportedly thanked the large BJP president for taking the heat off him.

Later, Vadra was seen beaming after getting news of a clean chit issued to him over allegations of corruption. He then used the clean chit to clean his hands as it apparently had something to do with 'hath ki safai'.

Amid all these developments, external affairs minister SM Krishna resigned. He wanted to give a farewell speech but could not find any other country's written speech lying around. Krishna later said he wanted to "give youngsters a chance". On hearing this, youth Congress leader Rahul Gandhi immediately called Pakistan's Shahid Afridi for tips on staying young.

Afridi told him: "Bite the ball. I did it once. It works." He may have meant 'bullet' but the young Congress general secretary was left puzzled nonetheless.

Meanwhile, BJP is standing behind its president. "He's big enough to shield us all," a party functionary said.

http://timesofindia.indiatimes.com/home/mocktale/Drivers-demand-directors-posts-threaten-strike/articleshow/16971872.cms?

President rejects Ravan's mercy plea

By Despondent Correspondent | Oct 24, 2012, 09.23 PM IST

NEW DELHI: Ravan, the former ruler of Lanka known for his daring abduction of Sita, exploded into flames on Wednesday night during Dussehra after President Pranab Mukherjee rejected a dramatic last-minute mercy plea by the 10-headed demon.

Mocktale has with it Ravan's last statement. He wrote: "I urge you, Mr President, not to treat me in the same league as Kasab. Unlike me, he is just evil. Besides, I am better looking."

"As you know, I was shot in the belly button by Lord Ram, which was just cheating, as Ram used navel power. To add to my misery, you make horrendous films in my name and burn me every year using crackers of dreadful quality. Where is the justice in that?" he asked.

Sources close to Lord Ram rejected the cheating claim. He just made a "belly good" target, they said. Ravan's lawyer, ironically named Ram Jethmalani, told reporters to leave Ravan alone. "If you want to target fat celebrities, go after Gadkari," he said.

Ravan asked the president if it was justified burning a public figure considering the prices of petrol and diesel. Besides, doesn't it lead to air pollution? he asked.

"First, your Hanuman comes to my country, spins a tall tail, and causes the worst case of air pollution ever and now this. And where is your PUC certificate?" he fumed.

Ravan also decried the practice of burning effigies. "Your people burn effigies of corrupt netas. I am sure it feels good. But it's a travesty of justice to do the same thing to them that you do to me, year after year. They make me look like a saint. Please for the love of God, stop this inhuman practice," he wailed.

" Yes, I abducted Sita. But I flew her in Kingfisher. I also kept her in Ashok Vatika - it's a 5-star hotel now. I treated her better than your khaps treat women here. Besides, your Ram's brother cut off my sister's nose damn it! Did you know how much she had to spend on plastic surgery? Thankfully, docs say she can follow the trend and become a Bollywood star."

Meanwhile, the National Commission for Women condemned Lord Ram's brother Laxman for cutting off the nose of a hapless woman. "Such a procedure should have been performed by a trained professional only," it said

http://timesofindia.indiatimes.com/home/mocktale/President-rejects-Ravans-mercy-plea/articleshow/16943368.cms?