That awkward moment

By Manas Gupta 

aka @Spooferman_

Internet lingo, it seems, is constantly evolving. Unfortunately, for people like me —delusional about still being young and dare I say cool — keeping up with the jargon can be quite a chore.

I joined Twitter a couple of years back and much to my delight, found an entire new world reveling in puns, wordplay and PJs, an ailment I'm often chastised for in real life by friends and family. I felt right at home, or so I thought.

Twitter, however, is a different animal. It's young, brash and bursting with energy and horny teenagers, who all speak in a language that pretends to be English but is way "cooler".

I got my first taste of it when confronted with a teenager who criticised one of my cringe-worthy PJs. Now criticism, as we all know, is a bitter pill to swallow, however rational you may be. When I politely asked this young man to explain, he came up with, "Calm yo titties!" I was stumped. Aside from the fact that this seemed to be an Indian boy speaking, nay writing, in a style straight out of Harlem, New York (yeah, call me racist), I was flummoxed by the reference to my er, nipples.

Anyway, I put that incident behind me and dove into the world of double entendres and silly hashtags on Twitter. However, before I could even fathom the reason behind #replacemoviewith(fill in the blank here) hashtags I encountered the phrase "woot woot". Yes. That is a phrase. According to the urban dictionary (yes, that is a dictionary), it is an "expression of complete approval or joy".

Now, I think of myself as a rational human being. (Okay, some of my friends may not think so, but they are not writing this article, are they?). But, for the love of God, (sorry, I mean Sachin Tendulkar) I cannot understand the reason for mimicking an owl to show joy. Have you ever observed an owl? They always look sad or angry or just constipated. Ever seen an owl smile? Heck, when he says "woot woot", he probably means "what-what, what the fuck you looking at?"

Sure, I've made my peace with the LOLs and the ROFLs and even (shudder) LMAOs. But even for someone whose made a career out of smartly murdering the English language, some things are just incomprehensible.

Another phrase that's the rage is YOLO. It means (hold your breath), you only live twice. Ian Fleming must be rolling over in his grave. Remember, at the start of this article I talked about being young? Sigh! Clearly I was mistaken.

Then you have emoticons. These are also called emojis. Huh? Why? Frankly, adding 'ji' after anything and not adding 'scam' after it should be a crime.  

Amid all this, what really takes the cake on twitter is something called 'that awkward moment'. It's not complicated. It really is all about awkward moments. But if you don't have them, you, sir or madam, are just not cool. In fact, you tweeting is 'that awkward moment' when you try to be cool.

Of course, some of these teens don't even know what really awkward moments are. I'm pretty sure Adam and Eve had the first awkward moment. An awkward moment is when you meet recently separated Siamese twins and ask, "can I join you?" However, when you stumble and fall flat on your face, that's not an awkward moment. That's just stupid. Also hilarious, unless you broke something or died. Then it's an awkward moment.

Frankly, I could go on and on about twitter lingo that makes me uncomfortable or look like a douche bag (yes another twitter favourite). However, that would make this piece TLTR. Too long to read.

PS: ROFL is what dogs do. Hence it's cool.

THE GOLDEN KITE

First post of the year. This one's fiction.

© Manas Gupta

Dara was a troubled child. For a 12-year-old boy named after a beefy wrestler, he was remarkably thin. He would walk to school with long, rapid strides, his bony legs looking like slender pistons, his face creased with worry, his mind a thousand miles away.

This morning, he feared he was going to be late again. “Gupta sir”, a cruel paan-chewing middle-aged man, who took pleasure in hitting the legs of kids with sticks from the neem tree, would scream at him again, assaulting him with a vicious dose of sarcasm followed by a slap that would make his ears ring and call him a useless mute. He quickened his pace as he visualized the scene.

All Dara wore was a faded light blue shirt, a pair of worn-out brown shorts, slippers and a morose expression. As the lone school of the village appeared on the horizon, he breathed a sigh of relief.

Unfortunately for Dara, he was, what you would call, a nobody. His entry in the class, or the school would usually go unnoticed. He was never seen, unless he was late; never heard because he didn’t have a voice and never spoken to.

He didn’t have any friends and even his teachers barely took an interest in him. He was a shadow reeking with mediocrity, just another drop in the ocean, waiting to evaporate and then fall back, a drop swallowed by earth.

However, there came a day when Dara shone. It was on his way back from school when he spotted the new stationary shop. It bought to his face a rare smile. He entered the shop and gazed with wonder at the shiny paper, the glue sticks, the colourful crayons. In that moment, he was a child again. Gone from his mind was the fear of Gupta ji, the spectre of school, the daily grind.

He took out his pocket money that he had been saving from his school bag, brought some items and rushed home. There, he chucked his bag on the floor, took the items he had purchased, and went to the tiny room on the terrace where his mother stored foodgrains.

Here, he locked the door, and amid the smell of dust, wheat and jute sacks, he went to work. He worked through the day. No one missed him. He didn’t eat, he didn’t study, he just hummed, as much as a mute boy can hum. Eventually, he fell asleep in the room, exhausted.

The next morning he woke up feeling hungry, sore and for the first time, happy. He went down to his mother for breakfast, carrying with him the fruit of his labour. His mother heard him coming, grumbled something about not helping with the chores and started laying his plate. Just then she glanced at him and her mouth fell open.

Dara was holding in his arms the most beautiful kite she had ever seen. Even more enchanting was the smile on his face. She couldn’t remember when she had last seen her boy smile. Overwhelmed by the transformation in her son, the woman just sat down and sobbed. Dara just beamed, holding his kite proudly.

The kite was a thing of beauty. Dara had shaped it like a butterfly. It was made of golden paper and when it caught the sun, it dazzled in the sky. Dara had drawn a beautiful pattern on it, a mesmerizing riot of flowing colours along with glitter and other pretty objects, breathing life into the golden butterfly.

That day he took the kite to the schoolground. A hush fell on the ground when he brought out the kite. Even Gupta ji looked stunned. Suddenly, Dara was encircled by the other boys, everyone curious about the golden kite, asking him a thousand questions, reaching out to touch it, calling out his name.

In that moment, Dara was not a nobody anymore. Everyone knew his name. There were shouts of “Dara, fly it Dara” everywhere. For that moment, Dara was the boy with the golden kite. And he had a smile on his face.

©MANAS GUPTA

Now, cops arrest kids for a question on Facebook

By Despondent Correspondent | Nov 23, 2012, 12.59 PM IST

MUMBAI: The Maharashtra police have arrested a five-year-old child for allegedly making disparaging remarks about Spider-Man on Facebook. Apparently, the child posted a question on his wall: "There is no zipper in Spider-Man's suit. Where does he pee from?"

Another child who liked the comment was also arrested.

The cops showed remarkable alacrity in the matter and swooped down on these tiny tots of terror who were all set to spread terror using Facebook. They also seized their crayons and action figures as evidence.

The kids were booked under POTA, TADA and some ancient law called the IT Act. Apparently, the "heinous attack" on the friendly neighbourhood Spider-Man cannot be tolerated because India - which has never had a friendly neighbourhood - refuses to condone any sort of negative remarks against public figures.

Calling the children a "threat to national security", a senior police official said: "How dare these kids have an opinion on anything. What do they think this is? A democracy?"

Later, a mob of some regional party supporters attacked an ice-cream parlour run by the child's mother. Apparently they were huge Spidey supporters. Besides, they didn't like the parlour's vanilla ice-cream. It was too white.

When a reporter asked the IT minister about the arrests and free speech, he said: "Of course Indians have free speech. It's broadcast from Red Fort on 15th August and is very, very long."

Another minister said: "We can't have people voicing their opinions on netas on Facebook. Next you'll have them linking A Raja to the 2G scam or Suresh Kalmadi to the CWG scam or, horror of horrors, show Madhu Koda and Lalu Prasad as corrupt. This should be nipped in the bud."

Meanwhile, the kids have found massive support by netizens. A number of people posted vague questions on Superheroes to show their support.

One person asked: "Why does Phantom wear a purple leotard in a green jungle?" Another wanted to know the "purpose of the ears in Batman's costume".

Meanwhile, a number of activists have appealed for a moratorium on posting anything sensible on Facebook. If you do have to post anything, use some complicated language. Apparently, the IQ levels of these offended parties are our last line of defence.

http://timesofindia.indiatimes.com/home/mocktale/Now-cops-arrest-kids-for-a-question-on-Facebook/articleshow/17334255.cms?

Textbook cracks non-veg joke, govt chickens out

By Despondent Correspondent | Nov 19, 2012, 06.01 AM IST

NEW DELHI: Days after it was revealed that chowmein can lead to rape, a new textbook for Class VI says non-vegetarian "food causes you to easily cheat, tell lies, forget promises, be dishonest, steal and commit sex crimes". In other words, consuming non-veg turns you into a politician.

Apparently, it also turns you into a terrorist, as seen by Pakistani terrorist Ajmal Kasab's constant demands for biryani.

The claims in the book have led to outrage across the country. A number of criminals as well as incarcerated politicians have sought termination of their prison terms, blaming all their crimes on non-veg food.

While former telecom minister A Raja has blamed his misdemeanors on a plate of butter chicken, former IOA chief Suresh Kalmadi felt he over-ate some mutton-do-piaza before the Commonwealth Games.

Even N D Tiwari claimed a dish of succulent seekh kebabs was the real culprit behind the "magical appearance" of a son.

Union HRD minister M M Pallam Raju called the text "unfortunate and an occasional aberration" while consuming the leg piece of a tandoori chicken. "It is a textbook case of a non-veg joke gone bad," he told reporters. A reporter than proceeded to pull his leg...err piece. The minister was not amused.

Later, some chicken-loving teachers threatened to go on a "book hartal". A spokesman for the Non-Vegetarian Teachers Association said: "We refuse to open a book till schools and the government turn text-savvy." A poorly paid teacher put it in perspective: "We have gone from non-wage jokes to non-veg jokes."

Interestingly, the book also lauds the Japanese for their vegetarian diet, which it says leads to a longer life span. Apparently, the author hasn't heard of the word "sushi". The Japanese also plan to include the text in a book, or rather a joke book.

Meanwhile, the sabzi mandi saw a massive increase in demand for vegetables, pushed by anxious parents eager to prevent their kids from becoming part of the government. In fact, a number of people from coastal states like West Bengal, Kerala and Goa have demanded that the government classify fish as a vegetable.

To top it all, many schools now plan to include a chapter on vegetarianism with pictures of scantily clad vegetarian models from PETA and do away with the chapter on sex education. A government official said no reference will be made to meat products or chicken barring the one objective type question: "Why did the chicken cross the road?"

http://timesofindia.indiatimes.com/home/mocktale/Textbook-cracks-non-veg-joke-govt-chickens-out/articleshow/17274563.cms?

Will US accept terror chief Saeed's aid offer?

By Despondent Correspondent

NEW DELHI: The US government may accept the offer of aid for superstorm Sandy made by Hafiz Saeed, the chief of JuD, founder of Lashkar-e-Taiba and Pakistan's moron-in-chief, provided he accept certain terms and conditions... or as they put it "jail term in poor conditions".

Saeed, sources say, is not your run-of-the-mill terrorist. In fact he doesn't run at all, leading to a rather roly-poly appearance not befitting a dreaded terrorist. On being asked about his aversion to running he reportedly said, "Who do you think I am? A red-haired woman called Lola?" To avoid all confusion, an aide clarified: "He's not Lola, god promise".

The west as well as India's intelligence services were taken aback by Saeed's benevolent aid offer. "We never knew he loved us Americans so much," a US official said in a voice choked with emotion.

"Here we were, planning to aim a Predator missile at his copious posterior and he offers us aid. Shame on us," the official added.

Sources said Saeed interrupted a US and Indian flag-burning rally to make the offer. In fact, Saeed himself was unavailable for comment as he was busy arranging a suicide attack function. Apparently, he was supposed to perform the song "Knock, knock knocking on heaven's door" for the fidayeen. "It is not a knock-knock joke," the source explained.

Moved by Saeed's generosity, the US had decided to give even more aid to Pakistan, a huge chunk of which is expected to go to LeT's parent organization ISI — India's favourite agency. LeT is expected to use the funds to train more jehadis, buy explosives and bid for an IPL team.

Meanwhile, the American propensity to provide billions of dollars as well as military supplies to the very country that breeds terrorists and gives shelter to Osama bin Laden continues to baffle the rest of the world.

Mocktale's resident expert Iknow Jackshit blamed it on a strange condition afflicting a number of people around the world called Acquired Intelligence Deficiency Syndrome. "The disease is also widespread among voters in India as well as most of the population in Pakistan," he said.

Amid all these developments, India's premier intelligence agency — who Intel refused to sponsor as there was no "intel inside" — descended on the hotel room of a visiting Pakistani politician to question him.

However, they were disappointed to see it was former PM Shujat Hussain and not the attractive Hina Rabbani Khar. Sources called it a routine intelligence failure.

http://timesofindia.indiatimes.com/home/mocktale/Will-US-accept-terror-chief-Saeeds-aid-offer/articleshow/17180295.cms?

No booth grabbing in US polls, Indians aghast

By Despondent Correspondent

NEW DELHI: As the US election machinery gets into action for the final stage of voting, Indian netas and voters alike have been overcome by a wave of sympathy for their American counterparts.

"There has not been one incident of booth grabbing. What kind of election is this," asked an MP from Bihar.

"I thought they had a gun culture that rivals Bihar, UP and Afghanistan. But, I don't see any armed goons roaming the streets or bullying voters. These Americans really don't know anything about politics," the distraught MP added.

[For readers who have managed to read three paragraphs without realizing this is a spoof article, we assure you, it really is fake. For readers who did realize, we apologize for the interruption.]

"There were no calls to boycott the elections either. Doesn't feel right," said some former voters from Kashmir and Chhattisgarh.

A worker from a mainstream political party wanted to volunteer to go to the US to teach them how to campaign. Apparently, the lack of loudspeaker-toting open jeeps on the streets and no flags littered on the streets really affected him.

Another politician from UP was surprised to hear that there are no jailed politicians fighting the US elections. "What? No murderers in the fray? This is an outrage. It must be corrected before they can infect India with such thoughts," he screamed.

Down south, many voters were shocked at the fact that no country liquor was being offered to the "poor American" voters. "How will they make up their mind on who to vote for? These Americans know nothing about democracy," they chorused.

When told that US politicians don't offer voters colour TV sets or mixer grinders either, the voters from Tamil Nadu were aghast. Their only solace was that Americans has taken a leaf out of Indian politics and occasionally voted for filmstars like Ronald Reagan and Arnold Schwarzenegger.

A leading Indian minister said Americans must learn from India. "They should use cold hard cash for horse-trading in the senate and obviously take all their party leaders to some fancy resort and lock them in. They have much to learn from us."

http://timesofindia.indiatimes.com/home/mocktale/No-booth-grabbing-in-US-polls-Indians-aghast/articleshow/17120585.cms?

Kasab down with dengue, mosquito hailed

By Despondent Correspondent | Nov 4, 2012, 06.27 PM IST

MUMBAI: Biryani-loving Pakistani terrorist Ajmal Kasab is said to be suffering from high-grade fever after being allegedly bitten by a mosquito. Sources say an inquiry has been ordered into how the mosquito managed to infiltrate the high-security prison.

However, the actions of the brave Aedes mosquito are being hailed all over the country. "Perhaps this mosquito may have done what the Indian government and judicial system have failed to do," an elated Mumbai resident said.

Some citizens wanted to arrange a felicitation ceremony for the brave mosquito but the mosquito is not answering his phone. Others were concerned for its health considering the quality of blood it may have ingested.

The Maharashtra government has announced a reward of Rs 50 lakh for the mosquito along with a flat in Adarsh building and a plot of "farming land" in Pune. The railways is ready to provide it a job.

The Pakistani terrorist is currently lodged in a bomb-proof, egg-shaped cell at the jail since his arrest. His prison may even have inspired Lady Gaga's performance of "Born this way", an expert said.

Unfortunately, the mosquito itself is incommunicado. Jail sources say his brazen attack took everyone by surprise and it could even have been a fidayeen.

"It was a precision air strike. Before we could even react, the mosquito had carried out the sting operation and all we got was a vigorously scratching Kasab."

"Well, to itch his own," a jailer added. Some of the guards pretended to kill the insect but sources said they were just clapping.

Meanwhile, Pakistan has condemned this heinous act and demanded New Delhi take strict action against the outfit behind it. Islamabad summoned the Indian envoy to issue a demarche and is even willing to hand over Dawood Ibrahim in exchange for the mosquito.

http://timesofindia.indiatimes.com/home/mocktale/Kasab-down-with-dengue-mosquito-hailed/articleshow/17088556.cms?