Haryana offers 33% reservation to women on the road

By Despondent Correspondent | Oct 12, 2012, 03.29 PM IST

GURGAON: In a remarkable show of benevolence by a state government, Haryana has offered safe passage to 33% women on the road. However, the remaining 67% are responsible for their own safety.

With stalwarts like former CM Om Prakash Chautala and various khap panchayats calling the state home, the Haryana government said it was natural for women to feel safe in such a secure environment.

Readers will recall the demand of Chautala and the khaps of reducing the marriageable age of women to 16. Sources say these learned gentlemen believe the age and marital status of the women is the root cause of all rapes.

"The have discovered the ultimate weapon to combat sexual assault — the mangalsutra," said an official.

But, don't married women get raped, Mocktale asked. A minister puffed out his chest and said proudly, "Not in Haryana. We only grope and molest them." He later went on record to say most rapes are consensual. Reports say their is a consensus in public to jail the minister and let him experience the joys of consensual rape in prison.

Another Haryana MLA urged the press to highlight Haryana as destination for grope visits. "In fact, we have a tourist spot for such activities called Gurgaon. Various MNCs are flocking to it," he added.

Mobs of drunk men assaulting women on Gurgaon roads are chastened by this new development. "Thirty-three per cent is too much yaar. What do we do for entertainment now," asked a burly goon standing beside his SUV. Another one, with a blank look on his face, said: "I was told to hit on women".

These 'gentlemen' have colourful hobbies. Most of them spend their day agitating, blocking roads, burning vehicles and shooting toll booth attendants. At night, they take it easy and assault women for leisure.

The Haryana government meanwhile has released some guidelines for women to follow for their own safety. These include staying at home after dark, not wearing jeans, getting sold legally on the market along with cattle and getting married at 14.

http://timesofindia.indiatimes.com/home/mocktale/Haryana-offers-33-reservation-to-women-on-the-road/articleshow/16782001.cms?

MPs demand 50% reservation for the corrupt

By Despondent Correspondent | Oct 10, 2012, 09.23 AM IST

NEW DELHI: A group of MPs headed by someone who looked suspiciously like Suresh Kalmadi, has demanded that the government provide 50% reservation for the corrupt in Parliament.

"We will consider backing 33% reservation for women (in exchange for a small fee) only after government accedes to our request," said the bearded MP heading the group.

Some netas were shocked at this demand. One senior politician told Mocktale on condition of anonymity that the flipside of this bill could mean "the remaining 50% of Parliamentarians may actually be honest".

"This plan," he said "was a vile, abhorrent idea that should never be allowed. Imagine? Actual, honest politicians! What's next? Prime Ministers who speak?"

However, a number of other netas were in favour of the quota. In a voice choked with emotion, one MP said: "Are we not humans? Don't corrupt people breathe? I demand this reservation immediately in the interest of human rights and starving netas. And while we're at it, ban this CAG too."

Meanwhile, a former CM, Madhu Koda, has decided to provide tuitions in the art of money laundering and corruption. "It's a dying art and must be encouraged," he said. Apparently, one of the qualifications for entering the Koda School of Public Honesty is a Swiss bank account. Sources said there is a long waiting list.

A UPA spokesperson was heard saying: "What do you need reservation for? Don't we ensure a high percentage of corrupt in Parliament? Even our allies provide wholehearted support in this endeavour."

Some MPs and MLAs however, have decided to go on a fast demanding passage of the Mandatory Corrupt Simians In Parliament Act. The fast is sponsored by a popular burger brand which, in a cruel joke, has put up a banner in front of the fasting politicians asking "Hungry Kya?" Most fasting MPs, when asked this question, refused to comment. One conspiratorially whispered: "Of course, but for the money".

Meanwhile, a spokesperson for Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Politicians (SPCP) said: "Have mercy on these corrupt politicians. They were born ugly, forcing them to resort to other means to eke out a living. Look at some of the scams 2G, CWG, DLF. Yup. Ugly."

TOI link: http://timesofindia.indiatimes.com/home/mocktale/MPs-demand-50-reservation-for-the-corrupt/articleshow/16748657.cms?

Aliens land on Earth, fail to find intelligent life

By Despondent Correspondent | Oct 4, 2012, 01.42 PM IST

NEW DELHI: The aliens have landed. They look strange, talk gibberish, and eat just about anything. And no, they are not Chinese.

These strange exotic creatures landed in the middle of Delhi's India Gate and demanded to be taken to the king. Some folks immediately tried to book an appointment with Shah Rukh Khan but Don ko pakadna mushkil hi nahi namumkin hain.

One citizen approached the aliens and informed him that we only have a Queen of Italian origin. Perhaps they could speak to our PM provided they speak in sign language as our PM is a man of few words. Also, he is not fluent in Alien.

The aliens agreed and an entourage headed for the PM's residence. It took them a while to reach due to traffic jams as some minister's convoy was passing through. The PM welcomed them with folded hands and immediately asked them to push some FDI into the country.

The government tried to accord them a red carpet welcome but the plan was scrapped due to opposition from Mamata Banerjee who doesn't like the colour red.

On being asked for the purpose of their visit, the alien spokesperson (or spokesalien if you prefer) said their choice of food was coal and they had heard the resource was freely available in India.

The PM appeared shocked at first. But showing remarkable composure and presence of mind he handled it the only way he could. He ordered an auction.

Meanwhile, the aliens were taken on a tour of the country. Like all foreign visitors, they made a beeline for the slums and snapped lots of pictures. One of them even wanted to book a plot in the area. Another person wanted to know what Rahul Gandhi was doing there.

They were also shown statues of Behen Mayawati. They recoiled with horror and some of them shielded their children's eyes and later lodged a protest claiming India had violated the Geneva convention by subjecting them to such cruelty.

The leader of the entourage also had a meeting with the opposition leaders. He is said to have marveled at the posture of the species despite missing a spine.

They concluded the visit by praising Indian ministers' love for coal and cash and showed a desire to replicate the famed Indian ability to reproduce at such an astounding rate. Their parting words were: "Your country loves to get screwed."

TOI Link: http://timesofindia.indiatimes.com/home/mocktale/Aliens-land-on-Earth-fail-to-find-intelligent-life/articleshow/16667075.cms?

Two days without a scam, nation shocked

By Despondent Correspondent | Oct 3, 2012, 07.44 AM IST

NEW DELHI: In a shocking development, India has gone a full 48 hours without a new scam being reported. There was an uproar in Parliament over the lethargy shown by the government in the field of corruption.

The leader of the opposition in the Lok Sabha said: "India is among the world's top countries in terms of scams and corruptions. However, the shocking lack of any new scam being reported in two days shows the government is not serious about stealing from the poor." She then rushed to the well of the House screaming, "All is well". UPA leaders countered her with chants of "Shush, Ma! Shush, Ma!"

SP leader Mulayam Singh was heard telling both parties he'll support them at all costs.

Later, TMC leader Mamata Banerjee called a press conference to condemn this 'shocking attempt at honesty and clean governance'. She said her party would move a no-confidence motion against the UPA government but no one in the press conference understood her accent.

The media too unleashed a series of editorials slamming the lack of scams. "What will we print?" was the popular question. Some news channel anchors were seen frothing at the mouth and screaming for answers but experts said this was normal behaviour.

Shaken by the developments, the Prime Minster addressed the nation live and promised to tackle the situation after the go-ahead from Madam. He first apologized for his statement: "Money does not grow on trees." He said: "Clearly, I was mistaken. Money does grow on trees. However, these trees are only found in the homes of people with stakes in coal mines."

The PM promised that judicious use of the RTI act, sting operations by TV channels and vague reports by the CAG will soon bring more scams to light. "It is inevitable," he said.

Meanwhile, to give citizens other things to focus on, the government raised the price of fuel. "I like raising the price of fuel every now and then. It is a hobby," said petroleum minister Jaipal Reddy.

Baba Ramdev too joined the jamboree. He started by congratulating the PM over his miracle - the discovery of speech. Addressing a press conference in women's clothes, which he claimed are the latest fashion, the guru told the nation to sit in front of their TVs and vigorously push their stomachs in and out in an attempt to fight corruption.

Sources said by the time this article gets printed a new scam is bound to have come to light.

Original: http://timesofindia.indiatimes.com/home/mocktale/Two-days-without-a-scam-nation-shocked/articleshow/16649697.cms?

India to loan Maya, N D Tiwari to Afghanistan

By Despondent Correspondent | Published in TOI: Sep 29, 2012, 03.37 PM IST

NEW DELHI: Former UP chief minister Mayawati, who bears a striking resemblance to some strange statues found all over the state, is in the news again. The central government has decided to loan Behenji to Afghanistan to help the state rebuild statues destroyed in the war.

Sources said Afghanistan may protest this benevolence shown by India and may even take the matter to the United Nations. Behen Mayawati, who apparently fought poverty in UP by building ugly statues and wearing garlands of cash, may not be too amused by this development.

When asked why she didn't want to go, the former CM is said to have rued the lack of money-making opportunities in the region as well as a shortage of cash garlands.

In another development, the UPA government has also decided to send veteran politician N D Tiwari to Kabul to help repopulate the country...err by encouraging family planning measures of course.

When asked to comment on the development, Tiwari said: "Kabul hai, Kabul hai, Kabul hai." Apparently, one of his first steps in the country will be to urge the Karzai government to ban DNA tests.

Meanwhile, Congress sharpshooter Digvijay Singh, who, allegedly, is no longer as sharp, has also evinced a keen interest in going to Afghanistan. However, his transfer will not be allowed as it violates the MTCR (missile technology control regime). An Afghan official told TOI: "We already have loose cannons."

Original link: http://timesofindia.indiatimes.com/home/mocktale/India-to-loan-Maya-N-D-Tiwari-to-Afghanistan/articleshow/16601850.cms

Didi to PM: Debt do us apart

By Despondent Correspondent | (Published in TOI online: Sep 28, 2012, 06.55 PM IST)

NEW DELHI/KOLKATA: In a shocking development last week, the diminutive cartoon-loving chief minister of West Bengal announced a divorce from Manmohan Singh citing irreconcilable differences. Sources said there was much dancing in the Union Cabinet after the announcement and the finance minister may have even twirled his lungi.

In Kolkata, Mamata appeared tightlipped — a remarkable achievement — over the developments. When pressed on the matter, she just said, "It eej a rollbhack." She then ended the press conference by calling all journalists Maoists.

Senior officials close to the chief minister told this paper on condition of anonymity — and large sums of money — that the CM was 'fed up' with Manmohan's infidelity and silent nature.

"Enough is enough. The PM's new adulterous affair with this foreign woman, FDI, was the last straw. And though she couldn't pronounce the word 'talaq' due to an aggressive Bengali accent, she made it clear the two couldn't continue this relationship anymore," a source said.

An official of the Union Cabinet said Manmohan was thrilled with the decision. "One can only be henpecked to one person at a time and our PM's favourite food is Italy-Dosa (another word for pizza)," he said.

Didi, who is affectionately known as Mamataliban in New Delhi circles, is said to be preparing an offensive against Ms FDI coming to India. Unfortunately, she can't brand her Maoist.

Meanwhile, the fiery leader has allegedly deputed someone alleged to be her nephew to allegedly slap anyone who looks like doing his job. Apparently, this leads to increased efficiency levels.

She has also announced a crackdown on the evil practice of cartooning in the state. "They should know bhear to draw the line," she was heard saying. It seems that cartoons can lead to other social evils like chuckling or laughing and Didi is not going to stand for such witchcraft encouraged by the previous "gobharment".

Prime Minister Manmohan Singh has refused to comment on the development. Till he gets permission of course.

Link for original story on TOI: http://timesofindia.indiatimes.com/home/mocktale/Didi-to-PM-Debt-do-us-apart/articleshow/16590731.cms?

Damsel & the Dame

Chapter 1

I knew that day was going to be different.

It’s a feeling you get, sitting in that same old leather chair, day after day, waiting for the next case to come. And just as you teeter on the edge of despair, something falls in your lap, just like that.

The worn-out sign on the rickety door said ‘Thomas Stone, Private Investigator’. It was raining hard outside. But however hard it rains, the sound can’t block out the creaking door opening. I never oiled it, so it acted like my own alarm system. But a creaking door can’t block a bullet.

As I sat on my chair, my feet propped up on the table, reading the afternoon paper, she walked in. I’d heard the sound of the heels on the dirty floor but I didn’t look up, even though the whiff of her perfume had my heart beating a tad faster.

She cleared her throat and said in a syrupy voice: “Mr. Stone”? I looked up from my paper and felt the air go out of my pillow of a façade. To say she was pretty was an understatement. Her short blonde hair failed to hide a chiseled face. The eyes were large and blue, the nose small and the lips full and red. A pair of never-ending legs in stiletto heels peeked out of the short, black mini skirt she was wearing with a bright red blouse. Yessir, a vision had walked into my drab office.

I must have been staring with my mouth open. She repeated herself, this time in a voice colder than my iced bourbon. I regained control, took my feet off the table and asked her in my best business-like voice: “What can I do for you, ma’am?”

“Mr Stone, my name is Mrs Shirley Sharma and I need your help. I think my husband is trying to kill me”. Her eyes were wide with fear, or panic, or both. “I am scared to even go back home,” she said.

“Whoa, Mrs Sharma. Calm down. Why don’t you take a seat and let’s start from the beginning.” I wanted her to sit. She looked so fragile, I felt she would fall and break into pieces any minute. But there was something childlike about her. An alarm bell was ringing in some cabinet at the back of my head. After 20 years as a private investigator, you learn to listen to your instincts and this damsel had trouble written all over her. But when the male brain comes face to face with a dame, and that too a good-looking one, most compartments often go on strike.

She began her story. “Mr Stone, for days now my husband has been receiving phone calls from some mysterious woman. Whenever she calls, he gets all tense and worried, and goes into his study to take the call.

“My husband is Anil Sharma, the CEO ….”

“Of Zag-Tech systems, the multi-billion dollar software company,” I interrupted.

“Precisely,” she said. She took a cigarette from a gold-plated cigarette box and lit it, without asking me for permission. “Do you have a light Mr Stone,” she asked in that same syrupy voice.
 
“Tom, please call me Tom. And I don’t smoke Mrs Sharma, never have. But please continue.

She smiled then. It was a shy, nervous smile, but it showed a set of even, pearly teeth. “And you can call me Shirley, Tom. You come highly recommended. I’ve read about you in the papers too, all those high-profile cases that you solved…”

“Thank you Shirley, one does what one can. Now let’s get back to those phone calls,” I said.

“Oh yes. As I was saying, he keeps getting these phone calls, sometimes in the middle of the night. Ever since these calls started, he has become irritable and angry. He has also increased his drinking. We’ve been married for three years now and he’s never behaved like this.

“And then one night, I overheard him say ‘Just kill her. If you don’t do it, I’ll do it myself. It’s been three years and I am just fed up’.”

Her voice had started cracking up, and she burst into tears. “I don’t know what to do Tom. I haven’t slept for two days. I keep looking over my shoulder. And I’ve been avoiding my husband. I just want to run away”.

The alarm bells were ringing in my head louder than ever. “Stay away, stay away,” was the constant refrain of my brain. But the lure of a damsel was too much to resist, and Thomas Stone, private investigator, took the plunge.

©Manas Gupta